TV

LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) If you ever needed proof that I am here for you, look no further than the fall season. Each year I plop down in front of the TV and slog my way through the new shows. Sure, it's my job and I live for this stuff, but, let me tell you, that doesn't make it any easier to endure an entire episode of "The Mountain." But, really, it's much better for me to watch "Hawaii" than for you to have to do it.

Over the coming weeks, I'll be giving you full reviews of every new series, but for now let's start with the best and worst each network has to offer. (I'm skipping FOX for now since the only new scripted show the network has left to premiere in 2004 is "House" in November.)

ABC

Overall theme: Of all the networks, ABC easily has the best new shows, with only the comedies failing to inspire or break with convention. If these great new series don't pull the beleaguered network out of fourth place, at least they went down fighting while the other networks barely entered the ring.

Favorite: "Desperate Housewives" and "Lost"
Least Favorite: "Complete Savages"
Most Surprising (it was better than I thought it would be): "life as we know it"
Most Disappointing (it was worse than I thought it would be): "Rodney"

Keep an Eye Out For: "Boston Legal." Now that Alan Shore and Denny Crane are off on their own, will this spinoff of "The Practice" turn into "Ally McBeal," or will David Kelley return to is less outrageous legal roots? I fear the former.

CBS

Overall theme: Mediocrity. CBS excels at shows that are comfortable for viewers -- crime introduced in the first 15 minutes and solved in the final 15. But where a show like "Without a Trace" is inspired by compelling performances and innovative story-telling techniques, this season's dramas are exceedingly ordinary. Picking the best that CBS has to offer is like grading on a curve.

Favorite: "CSI: NY." Since all that was available for review was last season's "CSI: Miami" crossover episode, this is based solely on the goodwill I feel toward star Gary Sinise.
Least Favorite: "Center of the Universe"
Most Surprising: "dr. vegas"
Most Disappointing: "Clubhouse"

Keep an Eye Out For: What's up, dawg? Randy Jackson guest stars as - what else? - a pop star's manager in the pilot for "dr. vegas."

NBC

Overall Theme: The peacock network has aging hits and is down to its last Friend. That makes NBC's new series - which range from average to dreadful - all the more inexplicable.

Favorite: "Joey"
Least Favorite: "Hawaii"
Most Surprising: Nothing. Even the wonderful Neal McDonough ("Boomtown") is stuck with the generic "Medical Investigation."
Most Disappointing: "LAX" (When Heather lets me down, it hurts a little bit more)

Keep an Eye Out For: "Father of the Pride." NBC won't say how much each episode costs, but estimates are $1 million to $2 million per half-hour. Although certainly not a disaster of epic proportions, my guess is that "Father of the Pride" could become the "Heaven's Gate" of television.

The WB

Overall Theme: The network that teen angst built is growing up and reaching out to a more mature audience.

Favorite: "Jack & Bobby"
Least Favorite: "Commando Nanny"
Most Surprising: "Drew Carey's Green Screen." There's not a full episode available for review yet, but from what I saw at press tour, this show could be very funny.
Most Disappointing: "The Mountain"

Keep An Eye Out For: "Commando Nanny," the first scripted comedy from Mark Burnett, who probably at this point could sell a show about watching grass grow (Who has weeds and whose lawn is perfect? Tune in next week to find out!). The pilot I saw was appalling, but since that time, two roles have been recast, including the lead, so it's a remote possibility that the show could somehow become watchable.

UPN

Overall Theme: Without a "Mullets" or "Shasta McNasty" in sight, UPN, buoyed by hits like "America's Next Top Model" and "Girlfriends," finally has a new lineup to be proud of. You go, UPN.

Favorite: "Veronica Mars"
Least Favorite: "The Mullets." Just kidding. UPN only has three new shows this season. I just don't want the network to forget how far it has come.
Most Surprising: "Kevin Hill"
Most Disappointing: "Second Time Around"

Keep An Eye Out For: "Veronica Mars." I think it could be do for UPN what "Buffy" did for the WB back in 1997.

TV Gal Rating System

As we head into the new season, let's review the TV Gal rating system.

Five stars: This show is so wonderful I don't leave home when it's on for fear my TiVo will fail and I'll miss an episode (examples: "Arrested Development" and "Everwood").

Four stars: This show is in my TV rotation and will be recorded every week (examples: "Without a Trace," "NYPD Blue" and "Scrubs").

Three stars: I won't TiVo this show, but if I'm home, I'll make a point to watch it (examples: "Girlfriends," "Two and a Half Men" and "Cold Case").

Two stars: If I'm home and I need to watch something while I'm folding laundry, I'll watch this show. (examples: "Less Than Perfect" and "Charmed")

One star: If I'm home, I won't turn on the TV for fear this show will be on (example: "The Swan").

The O.C.

Because we have to wait until Nov. 4 to find out if Seth and Ryan return to Orange County (I'll so take that bet), if Caleb and the Dragon Lady's marriage works out and if Mischa Barton has learned to act, FOX is offering two specials in September -- "The O.C.: Obsess Completely" (Sept. 16) and "Welcome to the O.C.: A Day in the Life" (Sept. 23). The specials promise never-before-seen moments, bloopers and interviews with cast and creator Josh Schwartz. We will also get a preview of the second-season premiere.

Where Have I Seen Them Before?

Jeffrey Nordling, Jake on "Once and Again," was the man Julia picked up in a bar on "Nip/Tuck." Nordling was also Dr. David Baylor on "Providence." Jessica Steen was the wife of the man who wanted to get breast implants. Steen was Linda on "Homefront," Paula Cassidy on "Navy NCIS," and Dr. Julia Heller on "Earth 2." J.K. Simmons was the man who got the implants. Simmons was Dr. Emil Skoda on "Law & Order," the dastardly Vernon Schillinger on "Oz" and the father of a young man on death row on "Without a Trace." (Not to mention J. Jonah Jameson in the "Spider-Man" movies.) Thanks to TV Gal readers Michelle and Kathie, who recognized these familiar faces.

Highlights of the Week Ahead
All times listed are Eastern Time for the week of Aug. 30-Sept.r 5.

Poor John Heffron's reign was too short. "Last Comic Standing" returns at 9:30 p.m. Monday on NBC with season one's contestants facing off with season two's.

Seriously, how upset are we going to be if Colin and Christie win "The Amazing Race 5" (CBS, 9 p.m. Tuesday; it airs an hour early due to the Republican convention)? Colin isn't boring like Bill on "The Apprentice" or fun to dislike (in that love-to-hate kind of way) like Richard Hatch on the first "Survivor." He's just a nasty, petulant child. All together now - Colin, boooooo.

Like I've already said, I think the big story with "Father of the Pride" (NBC, 9 p.m. Tuesday) is going to be its failure. The animation is great (it's from the makers of "Shrek," after all), but the show simply isn't funny enough. The jokes range from mild chuckles to adolescent bathroom humor. And even though Lisa Kudrow and Andy Richter are quite funny as lovelorn pandas in the premiere, they aren't enough to make me roar about the show. Two and a half stars.

Last year, you never knew when and if NBC would air "Scrubs." Now the network is having the season premiere of the series when most people don't even realize the new season has begun. So pretty please, don't miss the fourth-season premiere of television's second funniest comedy at 9:25 p.m. Tuesday. And don't forget that Heather Graham, last seen romancing Michael on television's funniest comedy, "Arrested Development," begins an eight-episode arc as the hospital's new psychiatrist.

You know we have a lot of new shows ahead of us, so let's not mince words: Skip "Hawaii" (NBC, 8 p.m. Wednesday). Just trust me on this one. One star.

Beginning Wednesday, viewers will get a chance to see how the folks on the other side of the pond respond to the British Fab Five. "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: UK" (Bravo, 10 p.m. Wednesday) features Tristan Eves (grooming), Dane Bailey (design), Julian Bennett (fashion), Jason Gardiner (culture) and the mononymous Peyton (food and wine). First up for a "make-better" is Steven, a chap on the verge of completing his MBA and popping the question to his girlfriend.

To the TV Gal Reader Belong the Spoils

You know the rules. Don't read if you don't want to know.

Omarosa Stallworth (she's dropped the second last name, file under: interesting) will guest star on the season premiere of "Girlfriends" (Monday, Sept. 20). She'll play Trina, a woman who thinks Joan has had an affair with her girlfriend. Also, Joan will fail to tell William how she feels about him after she sees him with ex-girlfriend Monica, and Toni will go to great lengths to save her marriage.

Golden Brooks, Maya on "Girlfriends," guest stars on the season premiere of "Star Trek: Enterprise" (October 8) along with Steven Schirripa (Bobby Bacala on "The Sopranos").

There are times when we, as fans of a show, must pull together, stay strong in the face of unspeakable horrors and keep hope alive. This is one of those times. Please join me in taking a collective deep breath as we try to remain calm. Anne Heche is joining, yes joining, the cast of "Everwood." Do you remember how incredibly annoying she was on "Ally McBeal"? Heche will play Amanda Carver, a character press reports referred to as the "patron saint" of the town of Everwood. Her husband was diagnosed with aphasia several years ago, which left him paralyzed and unable to communicate. Of course, Andy and Amanda become friends and perhaps something more (remember that Scott Wolf's character, Dr. Jake Hartman, will be romancing Nina).

The above information is somewhat mitigated by that announcement that one of my faves, Bradley Cooper (Will on "Alias"), has joined the cast of Greg Berlanti's other series, "Jack & Bobby." This will pit Cooper against his former co-stars, since in January "Jack & Bobby" and "Alias" will air opposite each other.

In "Survivor: Vanuatu -- Islands of Fire" (premiering Sept. 16), the 18 new castaways will be divided into tribes of men versus women.

Annie Potts will play Lt. Lucy Preston on "Joan of Arcadia." Joan's dad will be her boss.

This November, Julianna Margulies will play an attorney on "Scrubs." Tom Cavanagh will once again play J.D.'s ne'er-do-well brother in October.

Liza Minnelli is back as Lucille's nemesis, Lucille 2, on "Arrested Development." Also, Michael Moore will guest star as himself. He sends Buster to Iraq on a dare.

Aisha Tyler, whom we last saw as the victim of mutilation on "Nip/Tuck" (she slept with Christian too, but that's no longer a character identifier, now is it?), will be on both "CSI" (as a scientist) and "24" (she'll be working in the new and improved CTU) this season.

I had already told you that Jimmy Smits would be on "The West Wing." Now we know that Alan Alda will be playing a Republican senator who will enter the presidential primary fray along with the vice president (Gary Cole). Also, Mary McCormack, who was introduced last season as the new national security adviser, will continue to be on the show.

Roseanne will appear on "Two and a Half Men" in November. She'll play the sister of Charlie's maid (played by Conchata Ferrell, and come to think of it, they do kind of look alike).

That's all for today. Due to the Labor Day holiday, I'll be back next Wednesday (I was going to take the week off, but how can I abandon you, my people, during this critical time?). I'll have reviews of "Joey" (he's doin' just fine), "Medical Investigation," all the spoilers that are fit to print, thoughts on "Entourage" (the show is growing on me) and much, much more.

Have a question, seen a familiar face, have an inside scoop or want to nominate a quote of the week? Write me at amytvgal@zap2it.com by clicking on my byline at the top of my column. Have a great Labor Day, thanks for sticking with me all summer long, and see you next Wednesday.